The fallout from conversations gone wrong is not pretty: trust and intimacy suffer, while resentment and misunderstanding build. But it is possible to improve the way we handle our most difficult personal conversations. Our relationships need to nourish us, not deplete us. Consider the following:
1. Set an agenda. Lay out the problem to be discussed, indicate that you want to hear the other person’s perspective and to speak your own, and that you’d like problem-solving to follow that.
- Listen first. Until people feel heard and safe, they won’t have the mind-space to hear you.
- Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. The authors of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most found that people typically spend only about 10% of a difficult conversation on inquiry and 90% on advocating a position. A better balance leads to a better outcome.
- Strive to understand what people are thinking, feeling and needing, not just saying.
- Keep the focus on understanding what is happening between the two of you, not on “winning” or being right.
- Don’t ignore feelings. They are often at the heart of every difficult conversation—and they matter.
- Stay centered, supportive, curious and committed to problem-solving. Your attitude will greatly influence what you say.
- Notice when you become off-center. Breathe. Choose to return to yourself and your purpose.
- Return to asking questions about the other’s point of view if the conversation becomes adversarial.
- Be persistent in your efforts to keep the conversation constructive.
Rhea M. Haugseth, DMD maintained a private practice in Marietta, GA from 1982- 2017. She attended the University of Louisville Dental School and completed her pediatric dental residency at Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital / Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio. She is a Diplomate of the American Board of Pediatric Dentistry and a Fellow of the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry. She is proud to be a Fellow the American College of Dentists, the International College of Dentists, and the Pierre Fauchard Academy – National Honorary Organizations for Dentists.
Dr. Haugseth is a Past President of the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry (AAPD), the Southeastern Society of Pediatric Dentists (SSPD), and the Georgia Academy of Pediatric Dentistry(GaPD). Dr. Haugseth has been a National Spokesperson for the AAPD since 1989 and has been frequently interviewed for radio, print, and national television.
Dr. Haugseth is the Founder (2013) and Director of the Atlanta Pediatric Dental Assistant School in Atlanta Georgia. She is also the Founder (2014) and Director of the Pediatric Dental Team Association. She is committed to pediatric dental team members and continues to develop ways to enhance their knowledge and skills both in and out of the dental office.